Rethinking the Advice: "If They Wanted To, They Would."
As a couples therapist, I frequently encounter phrases that have made their way into popular relationship advice, one of the most prevalent being, “If they wanted to, they would.” At first glance, this sounds straightforward and resonates with our expectations for love and commitment. However, I contend that this perspective oversimplifies relationship dynamics and can lead to misunderstanding and resentment. Here’s why we should reconsider this phrase and focus on healthier communication strategies instead.
The Pitfall of Assumptions
The idea that someone will automatically know what you need or want based solely on their feelings is a dangerous assumption. Each person’s expressions of love and commitment can manifest differently—what seems like a lack of interest might simply be a different love language or personal struggle. Couples often have varying expectations and interpretations of relationship dynamics, making clear communication essential.
When we subscribe to “If they wanted to, they would,” we may unintentionally foster an environment of testing and withdrawal. Instead of expressing our needs, we wait to see if our partner will meet them without explicitly stating what we desire. This can lead to disappointment and frustration when our unspoken expectations are not met.
The Importance of Clarity and Direct Communication
Identify Your Needs: Before engaging in conversations with your partner, take time to reflect on your emotions and needs. What exactly are you feeling? What do you truly want from your relationship? Understanding your own desires is the first step toward clearer communication.
Communicate Openly, Directly and Clearly: Rather than withdrawing or testing your partner’s commitment, approach them with honesty about your needs. For instance, instead of expecting them to figure out that you need more quality time together, express that directly. “I really value our time together and would love to schedule regular date nights.” This not only clarifies your expectations but also opens the door for collaborative solutions. Brene Brown said it best, “clear is kind.”
Foster Mutual Responsibility: Relationships thrive on teamwork. When both partners feel empowered to voice their needs and expectations, it creates a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. This shared responsibility can lead to healthier dynamics and prevent feelings of neglect or resentment.
Encourage Active Listening: Ensure that your partner feels heard and valued by encouraging them to share their feelings and needs as well. A two-way street of communication fosters emotional intimacy and connection.
Shift from Testing to Trust
Testing your partner’s commitment by withdrawing or playing games can initiate a cycle of insecurity and defensiveness. Instead, building trust through direct communication invites vulnerability and can deepen your emotional bond. Relationships flourish when both partners feel safe to express themselves without fear of judgment or conflict.
What If Your Needs Aren't Met?
If you have clearly articulated your needs and your partner still does not respond or meet them, it can be disheartening. Here are some steps to consider:
Assess the Situation: Reflect on the discussions you've had. Have your needs been consistently ignored, or is it possible that your partner is struggling to meet them for specific reasons? Understanding the context can help in evaluating the overall situation.
Consider the Importance of Your Needs: Determine how critical these unmet needs are to your well-being and relationship satisfaction. Are they fundamental to your happiness and emotional safety, or are they more flexible in nature?
Open a Dialogue About the Disconnect: Approach your partner again to discuss the gap between your needs and their responses. Share your feelings about the ongoing lack of fulfillment and invite them to express any difficulties they may be facing in meeting your needs.
Explore the Option of Therapy: Sometimes, couples benefit from professional guidance. Therapy can provide a space to explore relationship dynamics, improve communication, and address underlying issues that might be affecting your connection. A therapist can equip both partners with tools to better understand each other’s perspectives and strengthen the relationship.
Evaluate Your Future Together: If the situation remains unchanged despite your best efforts and discussions, it may be time to assess whether staying in the relationship is the best choice for you. It’s essential to consider your happiness, emotional health, and the extent to which your needs can realistically be met.
Deciding to Leave: In some cases, the hardest but necessary choice may be to leave the relationship. If your partner consistently disregards your expressed needs and shows no willingness to change, recognizing that you deserve a relationship where your emotional and relational needs are met is crucial.
Rethinking the phrase, “If they wanted to, they would,” incentivizes us to take an active role in nurturing our relationships rather than waiting impatiently for change. Commitment is not solely about grand gestures or fulfilling expectations—it’s about mutual understanding and open communication. By clearly articulating our needs and encouraging our partners to do the same, we can create a dynamic where both parties feel valued, connected, and ready to grow together. If, after all efforts, your needs remain unmet, exploring therapy or considering the possibility of leaving may ultimately be the steps you need to take towards finding a healthier relationship dynamic.
