Feeling lonely in your relationship?
Sometimes it happens slowly and you don’t even notice that you feel really distant from your partner until you’re sitting next to them on the couch and you miss them. Or you’re having dinner together and feel like you don’t have anything to say. Other times it happens really quickly that it feels like it has come out of nowhere.
You may be asking yourself:
Does this spell trouble for your relationship?
Do other people feel this way?
Is this even normal?
No, yes and YES!
Distance occurs for every couple at some point in their relationship. Maybe someone got a promotion and they’re spending more time working or you’ve just had a baby or someone in your family passed away or someone has fallen ill or needed surgery. All of these things are unavoidable and can cause distance in your relationship if you’re not being intentional with each other about what each of you needs. Often we can have wildly different needs from our partner when going through something difficult or stressful.
For example, when I’m stressed out, I want to be cuddled and told that everything is going to be okay and that we’re going to figure it out. I want my husband next to me and giving me physical and verbal reassurance. My husband on the other hand wants to be left alone to process things before letting me in on what’s happening for him. This looks like him going for walks on his own or doing research to figure things out. If I’m not careful I can very easily interpret his distance and isolation as negative things and that he’s shutting me out (and I have!). Nothing leaves me feeling lonelier. How did we overcome this? Through several conversations that helped us understand what the other needed that sometimes felt really foreign to each of us.
Feeling lonely in a relationship can be particularly challenging because it's unexpected. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and communicate openly with your partner about what you're experiencing. Often, loneliness in a relationship can stem from a lack of emotional connection or communication. Try to engage in meaningful conversations, express your needs, and actively listen to your partner's perspective. Try to stay away from blaming one another. Focus on the fact that you miss your partner and want to feel closer to them. Leading with your softness is much easier to respond to than defensiveness or harshness. And then, seek ways to reconnect and deepen your bond, whether through shared activities and quality time together.
If you still feel yourselves stuck, seeking support from a couples therapist can be incredibly useful in helping you find new ways to understand each other and to feel connected and close again.
